| after this weekend |
[Jul. 21st, 2006|10:21 am] |
we're not talking anymore. it's supposed to show us what we really want
and i don't get it |
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|
| so tonight |
[Jul. 20th, 2006|01:54 am] |
i am going to undoubtedly do what the manliest of men do
cry myself to sleep. because 1. i am a pansy, and 2. women are the devil
where the hell did i go so wrong? or what if it's not my fault at all? |
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| today |
[Jun. 21st, 2006|06:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | lil jon | ] |
So I'm not the person I thought I'd be. I'm not the guy who is a good boyfriend; I don't take into consideration what my actions make other people feel; I'm more stingy than I could have ever imagined, it's always "me, me, me;" I feel like my relationship with my girlfriend isn't everything that it could and should be.
My relationship with my parents, mother and father, are kinda poor. My dad is just like me in that he could go a week or two without saying hey and call all of a sudden and talk like we had never missed a beat. I guess that's why I don't feel but so bad about how poorly I treat him as far as a son goes. I don't talk to my mom about things unless it's something that's bothering me, and then it's usually about some business that I shouldn't be sharing.
I really stepped back today and thought about my relationships with several important people. I've always known that I don't keep in touch with my family in Halifax county like I should, and I always try to make excuses. What's 10 minutes on the phone going to hurt me? It's not, and that's all it would take every week to "keep in touch." I'm more concentrated on staying busy/active with stuff around the house and work to think about much of anyone else unless it comes to my girlfriend. I feel like that's the only relationship that I can control, the only one that is new enough to actually start out on the right foot.
Ever since my parents divorced, it's been an up-and-down with my father. It's never bad, but we just go too long without talking to each other. We'll make plans, and we'll never go through with them but maybe twice a month. Sometimes stuff comes up that prevents him from showing, and sometimes the other way around. My mom and I never make plans, as she comes home from work and is usually tired, or the same with me. Especially when I used to work nights, we'd never even see each other. Now that I work mornings, I just stay shut up in my room napping or talking on the phone, or yes, you guessed it, playing video games.
Now that Sarah lives in Charlotte, I just honestly don't know what to do. I'm so inexperienced at long distance relationships that I just haven't learned how to handle the stress yet, but I don't think giving up is an option. I know giving up isn't an option, because I feel like for once, someone actually DOES want to be with me. I don't doubt that she isn't happy with me, because if she wasn't, she wouldn't be with me. As much as I've told myself that a sense of satisfaction with my partner was all I ever wanted, I never thought that I'd feel content. Not that I'm settling, but it just feels like I'm in the right place this time.
There are plenty of uncontrollable factors in life, but the ones that you can control always end up being controlled by someone else, at least when it comes to me. I let people make my decisions for me, I'm a wuss. I'm scared that the actions that I take will be the wrong ones, and if so, I can just blame whoever made the decision for me. I had myself convinced that I'd never be at fault for any wrongdoing as long as I kept it up this way. But I realize now how that's wrong, I have to make my own choices, and so that's why the first choice I made is to go back to school for something with computers or business.
The next choice was to get back "in touch" with all of my relatives that I NEVER see. Family is all that's left when everyone else leaves you, and for something so vital, so important, I sure as hell don't treat them that way. I love them, and they love me.
And right now I can't get Sarah off my mind. 180 miles is just too far. Time for me to move? I hope I can figure out a way to do that and stay in school and LIVE |
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| it's my bday |
[Feb. 27th, 2006|01:04 pm] |
and i don't feel that much different.
cept the fact that i'll never be a teen again, woot woot
but i already feel old :-\ |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 16th, 2006|03:20 pm] |
aaaaaaaaaaaaaand
i'm done |
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| yadda |
[Feb. 15th, 2006|12:19 am] |
i feel deflated
|
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| to disarm and disassemble a pessimist |
[Jan. 16th, 2006|03:20 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Classic Case | ] |
what if i'm not made for school? will i ever find something else to do besides beat my head into a pulp trying to attempt homework, just so i can get a better grade?
i've got a card on my computer desk that seems random and promising, and for once i feel like something has landed in my lap and now it's just up to me to choose to do something with it or not. i'll email and call about it. maybe it's not just a marketing scheme and maybe someone does randomly believe in me. are there such things as signs? "jon, this is your way out, your chance to put everything you have to use, the kind of person you are and the kind of work you want to do, and now all you have to do is go with it."
we'll see. it's not even about the money, but 60k a year without college, "building companies" and "business teams" -sounds technical and interesting the way he explained it, and he told my friends to stick by me, that i was going places. my manager at work told me that I was the future. i've only been working there for a month and i already have 3 compliments to the managers, 2 from customers and 1 from this girl tiana. i got my first "apple pin" today, and i felt like i was finally doing something and being recognized, appreciated. maybe i have self confidence issues and that's the only reason it's important to me, but could it be otherwise?
work, sleep, and wow every day. some days i don't work, but that gets replaced with sleep and wow or counter-strike. i am quickly becoming a dropout loser because wake tech lost my financial aid. because i don't have enough money to pay for school myself because i never used to work, minus reffing. because i always ask my aunt to pay for my school because she's loaded. because i never stay in touch with my relatives like i should. i see my dad once ever two weeks on average, and we talk about any and everything. sometimes nothing important, sometimes things that he or i just need to talk about. whether he knows it, or i choose to admit and think about it, i love him with everything i have. i can see where he has contributed to the person that i am. other parts of my life, i think i inherited some things innately from my real dad. some things i get from my mom, and as snobby as it is to say, i like the mixture.
i'm not "ahead" of anyone, i'm behind tons of people in life, but it's my fault. not my fault, but the results of my actions. i don't mind being where i am in life, because i don't care to compare to anyone else anymore. i want to find out what i want to do and then do what it takes to get there. maybe it's the lazy way out, maybe it's impractical, but at least i can say that i did things how i wanted to do them when it's all said and done. i still live at home and my mom JUST stopped paying my car insurance and phone bill. she SAYS she's getting me a car in a few months, a brand new eclipse, something i'm looking forward to. i don't count on it, though. but despite all these clues as to my still being young and immature, i actually feel mature about my acceptance of the life i've created for myself so far.
i never thought or shared so deeply what i've realized about myself, or what i've always known but just been afraid to explain. like i've told you thousands of times, you've taught me a lot about myself just by being who you are. cynicism has always been a part of my life, but day after day, i realize i'm "losing grips" on the hateful part in me. i don't miss it a bit, but my dry humor and dirty joke collection haven't faded. i wish i knew cleaner jokes, or could forget the ones that are just so over the edge that it's hurtful to someone or lots of people, the kinds of jokes that you have to know who to tell them to. i'm ready for love, and i'm ready for different hobbies.
i spent an hour at walmart looking at printer paper, printers, journals, and notebooks. i don't know if i want to print or write pages of my ideas on the book. every day i think of something to add or change, and every few days i scrap the idea wholly, or at least for a while. i've kept a mental note on all the ideas that i've liked, and all the ones that are just too unoriginal. i'm not in an originality competition, but i want my work to be MY work. i want people to know that it's me who wrote the book, not someone else. of course, i've gotten tons of ideas and ways of expressing certain things that would inevitably be used. i want to make the "elbow room" in writing that isn't there, or at least in the way that i want to write. magic, fantasy, swords, heroes, villains, love, intelligence and its relation to purity of heart and the flipside of the coin. not saying that everything contrived of stupidity is evil, or vice versa, and not so much "intelligence" in a specific definition. moreso "worldly knowledge," aesthetics, if you will.
where my life is headed can't be measured in days or weeks or even months, i don't know what i'll be doing a week from now or ever, but i know that i'm actually trying to get something accomplished. i guess i'm growing up (some more?) and i think it's about time. i realized tonight that i still flirt the same way. i don't commit when i flirt, i leave things open ended. i want to jump into something and have something already there. a relationship, something built, a foundation? i'm tired of having to let someone peel away my layers until i can let them get as close as anyone ever has. only one person has ever gotten closer than the rest, and she hasn't moved since then. i want to push her out every time i think of her, every time i see her, every time i hear her, and everything i think i have a brain tumor cause i smell her but she's nowhere to be found.
things will always work out in the end, if only so because in death or the realization that life is over will you see it as something accomplished. whether you die at 19 serving your country overseas, or if you die alone in a bed at 90, you have accomplished something. both have taught me lessons, and even if that were the only accomplishments made by either party, then so be it. you have my gratitude 100% and my promise that i won't forget what you have taught me. thank you for what you did for me. |
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|
| word |
[Jan. 4th, 2006|03:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | evergreen terrace | ] |
online classes this semester because i'm a little behind on what you like to call "Cash."
work is great, easy and SOME people there are worth talking to
still don't know which direction i'm headed in life, but maybe i'll get a clue sometime soon |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 22nd, 2005|08:46 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | FFAF | ] |
Work sucks. My icon sucks.
Emily rose tonight, alone. Yippee Skippee :D
Hope everyone's ready for the holidays :) |
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| Old song |
[Dec. 11th, 2005|11:03 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  energetic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Scary Kids | ] |
I've got hoes
in different area codes. |
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| Indecency |
[Dec. 10th, 2005|04:02 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Valencia | ] |
Now that you put it that way
Yea, it is easy to forget. |
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| Receive |
[Dec. 7th, 2005|11:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  restless | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Valencia | ] |
Watched Ong-Bak. Started working at Applebee's. Two training days in one tomorrow. |
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| Salad Dressing |
[Nov. 28th, 2005|12:05 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | excited | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Panic! | ] |
Most people like salad. It's safe to say we don't all like the same dressing, though. We all have our preferences for one reason or another. Maybe it's what we ate when we were growing up, or maybe it is just a preference we have acquired. Either way, we can't all like the same dressing.
Most people like affection. It's safe to say that we don't all like the same treatment, though. We all have our preferences for one reason or another. Maybe it's how we were treated growing up, or maybe it's just a way of being treated that we'd like to imagine would "suit us." Either way, we don't all like the same kind of affection. |
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